


the distance is quite simply much too far for me to row.

by neostigmine



Series: we'll write another story, we're fine [2]
Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: F/M, Post-Canon, beta'd only in the sense that i needed to make sure this stayed in 3rd person, i'm going through things that are Mostly Done before my summer classes start, look ma! third person pov!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-05-19 00:50:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14863515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neostigmine/pseuds/neostigmine
Summary: she wants to hold onto this moment forever, but forever isn’t long enough.forever was never long enough.





	the distance is quite simply much too far for me to row.

upon reflection, there’s a list of seemingly unrelated things that make little sense but perfectly describe the extent to which she wanted it so badly to be her, and not him.

at the end of it, at the end of all of it,

it should’ve been her.

should’ve always been her

(she thinks he knows that he isn’t her eiffel, from listening to the logs. from how she gets over the course of conversations with him, from how she has to turn off sensors sometimes so she doesn’t notice him, from how she-

she’s falling for him again.)

they are vague concepts and strings connecting people, places, and things, but they’re... there.

like the line that connects from alana maxwell to words of emotional support to douglas eiffel.

( _”the only two people that_ actually _believed in me, really”_ )

or the line that connects the ever dwindling list of pop culture references to douglas eiffel, pre... desperate measures.

( _”are you sure he liked these?”_ )

or the line that connects the very complicated feelings from her, to him.

(” _it’s him, but it’s not at the same time, you know?_ ”)

or, even, the fact that currently, she’s going along with some harebrained scheme of his like nothing ever happened and she wants to hold onto this moment forever, but forever isn’t long enough.

forever was never long enough.

she could keep going on like this, avoiding some topics (like anne) forever.

she had forever, technically; he didn’t. what he didn’t know wouldn’t  _really_  kill him.

but it would kill her.

it could be worse. he could be  _actually_  dead rather than a shell of the person he used to be.

and, hypothetically, it could still be worse when she asks him, for what seems like the hundredth time if 

“you... don’t remember what you told me, before it happened, do you?” she knows the answer, it’s always the same answer-

“not really, hera,” he chuckles a little, “i don’t know why you keep asking me-”

“because, i just... need you to know something, i guess,” this would be where she would probably shake out her arms in some attempt to get through the nerves if she had a body, “since you...” but she can’t. maybe having one would make this conversation easier.

“i what?” he looks confused.  _god_  she hated it when he looks confused.

“you... trusted me with your life, before i-”

“hera, stop-”  _there is no stopping this train, buddy-_

“i... i don’t know what i did, but there’s some part of me that feels so deeply responsible for it and-”

and what?

like sorry would fix it?

like sorry would bring back the doug eiffel she fell for?

(she’s adding “picking up jacobi’s sarcasm” to the list)

“hera, hera,  _sweetheart_ -” oh.

oh no.

there’s a shudder to the lights and a  _slight_  power surge.

(probably the ai-living-in-a-house equivalent to losing the very small amount of control one has over  _not_  letting the waterworks loose, if she had to guess)

“hera? you okay?”

“yeah i’m... fine, ei- doug. i’m fine,” no she’s not, she hasn’t been fine since the Incident “it’s fine, don’t apologize-”

“you almost called me eiffel,” well, he isn’t wrong, “you’re not fine.”

she’s silent for a minute or two. she can’t really argue with him; she isn’t fine and she wants nothing more for this conversation to end and-

“i get it, okay? i’m not the-”

doug eiffel that she was best friends with, the doug eiffel that would stay up with her, the doug eiffel that...

for all intents and purposes, made the tin can so much more bearable. sure, minkowski and lovelace were fine, maxwell and jacobi were tolerable to an extent (her relationship with jacobi was better these days) and hilbert... was hilbert, but eiffel...

eiffel was something else.

she thinks she loved him, beyond the programmed idea that they were her crew and by god she was going to keep them alive. it was... it was somewhere in the realm of whatever minkowski and lovelace have going on, if she had to put some kind of gauge on it.

she does kind of still love him, 

“-and i know i can’t exactly be your eiffel-”

at least he’s aware, but there isn’t a hint of hurt or disappointment in his voice, which is weird. this wasn’t the turn she expected this conversation to take and-

“i can try, it won’t be exactly the best...” he trails off a little, “or-”

“or what?”

“i can be your doug.”

it feels like time stops. it wasn’t the most salient thought in her head, the one where she accepts that eiffel isn’t necessarily coming back and makes this work for real this time and tries to  _forget_  that this isn’t  _her_  eiffel and  _her_  eiffel wouldn’t be coming back anytime soon, so-

so maybe, just maybe, giving this a shot wouldn’t hurt.

“it’s fine you don’t want-”

“no, no,” she takes a deep breath (not like she needs it, but formalities), “it’s... i want that, i really do-”

“well, you can start calling me eiffel again if it’ll help?”

she laughs  _just_  a little bit, “i wish i could hug you.”

he has that stupid grin on his face, the one where she knew she was in trouble and likely to get attatched all those light years away, the one where she knew she was in deep, the one where- where she would have violated all of her programming to get back, if it came down to it.

yeah, she could do this “her doug” thing. it wouldn’t end that badly.

**Author's Note:**

> today's listening is transatlanticism by death cab for cutie. one day i will write something that's actually happy for once in my life but... today... isn't that day....
> 
> hmu on tumblr @ jacobiapologist, fanmixes over at playmoss/8tracks @ neostigmine (playmoss has the wolf ones).


End file.
